Sunday, October 29, 2006, 08:45 AM -
Life
On the way back from helping my father move my grandmother into her new apartment I decided that I would grab a snack while at the gas station before leaving Horseheads. It would be the
WORST food mistake I have ever made. Now, I like Slim Jims...it's no secret. There was a whole rack of different varieties to choose from. I picked up a beefsteak (always a good choice) and after much deliberation I chose what appeared to be just a really thick stubby Slim Jim. It was called the
Tijuana Mama Pickled Sausage. Little did I know that it was pure evil in food form wrapped in plastic.
I ate the beef steak first and about a half hour down the road I decided to test my luck with the Tijuana Mama. So, at the next stop light I opened it up and when I started moving again took a bite. I gagged. It took every ounce of self-control that I could muster to not crash the car. I swear I thought I was going to die just from the smell. There are only two ways that I can think of to describe the rancid insidiousness of this vile snack...My first thought was
"My god! It's like blowing a dead pig!"...this is the first time a food has ever made me feel violated. My final analysis however is that this thing...this horrid excuse for a snack is, simply put, a
big smelly spicy pickled turd. I cannot imagine who on earth would want to eat one of these things. I really think that the makers of this snack intended it to be a complete and unfunny joke. They are evil and should be destroyed. I cannot understand how this could be considered a "food" and allowed on to store shelves by the FDA.
So my advice to all of you is simply this...if you see this "
snack" in your local grocery or convenient store...RUN...run screaming out of the store and return later with the largest angry mob you can find and burn the store to the ground! Believe me, you'll thank me.
- Jeremy
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